It hasn't even hit bookshelves yet, but the writers of "children's book" Go the F@#K to Sleep have a bona fide hit on their hands. Note I say "children's book" in quotes. Because it's pretty clear Adam Mansbach wrote what parents really want to say to their kids at night FOR the parents.
It's a children's book only in that it's meant for people who happen to have children. Finally, someone said what always thought but were too wimpy to admit in public, where the judgy moms would roll their eyes and cluck their tongues. But while Mansbach is getting slapped on the back for his genius, the real people who should be thanking him aren't us parents.
It's the dozens of authors who came before him with their own "children's books" written for adults. Mansbach's book won't be available until June 14, so get your fill now with one of these awsome books for really, really big kids:
B is For Beer by Tom Robbins. Ever paged through one of those alphabet books with your kid and replaced "apple" and "snake" with certain other words in your head just to keep yourself from pounding it against the headboard as you hear it for the 40th time? Robbins didn't just do it in his head. He crafted an entire book based on his favorite "b" substitute. Drink up!
Monsters Eat Whiny Children by Bruce Eric Kaplan. You have monster spray to keep the monsters away so your kids can just settle down and go to sleep. But wouldn't it be cheaper and a lot easier if we could tell them they need to stop dragging every word out into a moan because the monsters really are hiding in the closet, ready to wrap a claw around their ankle if they don't shut up?
I Hate Everything by Matthew DiBenedetti. Children's books are all sweetness and light, worlds where unicorns shoot rainbows from their buttcheeks while whistling a happy tune. Unless you're suggesting your kid drop acid every day to maintain this viewpoint, that's not preparing our kids for the real world! So let Matthew DiBenedetti tell it how it REALLY is.
That's Not Your Mommy Anymore: A Zombie Tale by Matt Mogk. When I was driving my mother up the wall, constantly yelling her name from another room, she used to yell back that she'd moved to Argentina. But it's much more hip to announce that mommy can't come help because she's now a member of the walking dead, isn't it?
Grandma's Dead: Breaking Bad News With Cute Baby Animals by Amanda McCall. Aww, look, a cute little puppy. Just what every kid loves! But on the inside. Gaaaah. Nooooooo. Mom blew your college fund on blow!
Pat the Zombie: A Cruel Adult Spoof by Aaron Ximm. Is there a kid alive who didn't put their finger through mommy's ring and smell the awful chemical smell of those flowers? Dorothy Kunhardt's book is a classic. But THIS book is a classic reminder that there are only so many damn times we can read the same words over . . . and over . . . and over without imaging ourselves doing awful things to Pat.
All My Friends are Dead by Avery Monsen and Jory John. There are dinosaur books meant for little kids to indulge their love of the giants that once walked the land. Then there's the one that tells the truth. Which do you want to share with your kids?
The Taking Tree by Shrill Travesty. Ever thought the little boy in The Giving Tree was kind of a jerk? There's no "thinking" about it in this parody. The kid's a d--k.
Do your kids' favorite books ever make you feel like putting a pillow to your face and screaming aloud? Would you prefer an adult version?
Images via Amazon