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Right about now, people start pulling out the scary Santa stories and laughing at the little kids who are all eager to go see the fat man in the red coat, only to scream hysterically when they actually get near him. People, stop laughing! Father Christmas is one scary man, and I can prove it!
The array of Christmas movies being pulled out for family get-togethers is chock-full of dysfunctional Santas. Pop any of these in the DVD player, and you might be re-thinking that whole lap-sitting session yourself:
Bad Santa -- Billy Bob Thornton as a drunk department store Santa Claus is really a no-brainer for this list, but alas, he can't take the real credit. It's Lauren Graham screaming, "F--k me Santa, f--k me, Santa ... " during sex that will come back to haunt you -- and make your skin crawl -- when you take your tot to visit the big guy.
Fred Claus -- It's all fun and games until 'Saint' Nick gets in a fist fight with his brother (Vince Vaughn) that lands him in bed with a strained back. Isn't he supposed to be jolly and nice?
A Christmas Story -- Imagine you go to see your idol at the store. You clamber up on his lap all smiles and tell him what you want. And he cackles "you'll shoot your eye out kid" right before his elf throws you down a long chute. Would you ever go back?
The Year Without a Santa Claus -- This dude works one night a year, and he can't even make it to work? What is this world coming to?
Santa Claws -- Yes, they managed to make a horror movie billed to the hap, hap, happiest time of the year. No, it's not worth watching. Unless you are prepared to plug your chimney to quell your nightmares that psychopath Santa will one day slide down.
Silent Night, Deadly Night -- Another horror movie, and guess who the killer is? Stop crying kids, he's just a really nice guy ... hellbent on killing! No wonder he prefers a red suit; better for hiding the blood stains? OK, I'll stop so you can get some sleep tonight.
The Polar Express -- It was a sweet movie based on a classic children's book. But the use of performance capture technology to incorporate human movement into the animation turned up a Santa who was more creepy than cuddly.
The Santa Clause -- Tim Allen turned into a nice guy by the end (yeah, yeah, can you really spoil a Hollywood ending), but there's nothing quite like seeing Santa fall off a roof and watching his replacement be a total jerk to make you wonder just what the jolly old elf is thinking.
Miracle on 34th Street -- I know, you're thinking there is nothing sweeter than Kris Kringle cuddling up with a little Natalie Wood. But let's recall, for a moment, the other Santa in this flick. The drunk one who almost got up on top of the sleigh and took it for a joy ride in one of the world's most famous parades.
Do you have a totally screwed up Santa on your favorite Christmas movie list?
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